The race
One Saturday
in September.
Swim, ride, run, and then an argument about the water. The club has done it every year since 2013 and has never once been early.
The race is fixed by the calendar and not by us: the second Saturday in September. The tide is informed, not consulted.
- Next race
- Saturday, 12 September 2026
- Then
- Saturday, 11 September 2027
- And then
- Saturday, 9 September 2028
The day
IN ORDER, MORE OR LESS- I.
Swim
Enter the water.
Question previous decisions. - II.
Ride
Find your bicycle.
Maintain plausible deniability. - III.
Run
Proceed on foot.
Develop a better explanation.
Everybody finishes
somewhere.
Three trophies are decided on the afternoon, and the whole field is on the record by the evening.
The Horn of Glory — first home, and it has always been a tusk. The White Fang — last home, the trophy nobody trains for, currently the loudest thing on the club's front page. The Golden Horn — the fastest woman home.
The old handicap format sent the previous September's last finisher away first, on the grounds that everyone should be equally inconvenienced. The club remembers it fondly, and reserves the right to bring it back without warning.
Times are taken from the club's own records, and where the records are silent the site says so rather than filling the gap. Nobody's finish has been invented to make a tidier table.
Every finishing order since 2013The cabinet, year by year
The rulebook, all forty-one
The nine worlds
THE CLUB’S GRADING LADDERNorse cosmology had nine worlds. The club has found a use for them: one grade per world, from the mile you do in October to whatever George suggests next.
- I
Midgard — the club’s own ground
The September race, done by people who could reasonably stop. Two hours of decent company and one bad decision at the start of the run.
- II
Álfheimr — uncomfortably pleasant
A summer ride, no mechanicals, tailwind out and back, everyone home smiling. Suspicious, and never repeated.
- III
Vanaheimr — plenty, dangerously
The club meal. Plates that arrive after the bill, wine that is somehow also on the table. Nobody swims the next morning.
- IV
Svartálfaheimr — underground, and warm
The winter club ride in the dark, on the lanes that flood, lit by one tail light between four riders. Best club run of the year, never photographed.
- V
Jötunheimr — the giants’ ground
Anything with a cut-off time. The Channel relay, the hundred-mile ride, the swim in water the club described as “refreshing” in the report and something else in the car park.
- VI
Niflheimr — mist and ice
The January open water. Entered voluntarily by people with no memory of the previous January.
- VII
Muspellheimr — no comfort at all
The hot ride nobody planned for. The club has a rule about hydration and ignores it once a decade.
- VIII
Asgardr — for gods, unfortunately
Anything anyone has qualified for. The club sends a report and a photograph of somebody else’s medal.
- IX
Útgarðr — the outside, and a trap
Whatever George suggests next. He will describe it as “a laugh”. It never is, entirely.
Grades are the club’s own. The nine worlds are the real ones, and so is the trap.
The record book
FROM THE CLUB’S OWN RESULTS0:58:45
Fastest time on record
Alec L., 2021
36 home
Biggest field
Walrus Triathlon VIII
6
Most Horn of Glory
Ed H. · first home that many times
2
Most White Fangs
Chris L. · last home that many times, without complaint
4
Most Golden Horns
Rebecca S. · fastest woman home that many times
13
Most Septembers
Ian B. · 2013 to 2026
14
Septembers on record
2013 to 2026, every one of them
369
Finishes recorded
Every finisher, every year, nothing added
Every figure above is counted from the club's own race records: 14 Septembers, 2013 to 2026, and 369 finishes. Nothing is estimated and nothing is projected.
Entry, location, start times and the running of the day are confirmed by the club in the group, not on this page. This is the club's history, not an entry form.
The almanac, and the next two years